Sometimes I can come over as overwhelming to people. Too strong. And although the insecurity of trying too hard to fit in niggles at the back of mind, it isn’t until someone actually says I need to back off a little that I realise I need to take a step back.
I’ve always felt out of place. Like a broken jigsaw piece. No matter how many time you try to make it fit in, it just won’t. It won’t complete the picture. All you end up doing is break the piece more until it’s ruined. There’s nothing left.
So I cover my insecurity of not finding a home by laughing, talking and pretending. Forcing myself in to a group in which everyone already knows each other.
Sometimes while lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, I psychoanalyse myself. Blame the fear of not belonging to the time when people, I called my own, made feel inferior. Made me question myself to the stage I actually thought I was going insane. It was me! It had to be me! Everyone else was able to join in so why can’t I?
I pretended to go along with the game, just to feel included. For years, I pretended. Pretended we were friends. Pretended I belonged to a group of people. That I fit in. But you can only pretend for so long. And I realised I’m just a broken jigsaw piece. I maybe part of a picture but I will never be able to completely fit in.
I’m okay with not always perfectly fitting in but sometimes I’m not. Sometimes, like today, I wonder why I keep forcing myself in. Why am I pretending to a part of something?
You’re being annoying and overwhelming, Taiba, you need to take a step back. These people don’t know you, you can’t pretend your lifelong friends. You’re talking too much. Maybe just stop making friends and joining things. It’s just easier being alone, Taiba. It’s better for you. You don’t belong anywhere.