It’s one of those days that I can feel the mental barrier getting tighter, suffocating me. It’s like I’m drowning,falling deeper and deeper. The blood is loud in my head, the voices are over lapping each other. I can’t breathe! I feel like I’m boxed with no way out. Sometimes, I can see the surface of the water, I can feel the freedom at the tip of my fingers but a wave will come and ill be back under, struggling to stay sane.
I’ve always known there are certain things in my life that I will not get the chance to gain, simply because of the way my family’s intellect works. I’ve always accepted this.It’s something I’ve grown up with. Used to. We don’t have many opportunities to be who we are. To do the things we want to do. There’s so much i want to do but so much I can’t do. And it frustrates me to the end where I start to panic a little.
“You can do it when you’re married”, that’s the motto in my family, when you can’t do the things you want to do. Just do it when you’re married, no one will stop you then. No, I wont be able to then. I’m going to have responsibilities that I never had before. There’s going to be children that will stop me. The only time I can do the things I want to do is now! And you simply won’t let me because I’m a GIRL! (I can already hear you deny this)
I feel like I have sinned just by being a girl. One of the biggest crime i could commit was to be born a girl. As if I had the choice. I’m getting punished for something I had no control over. I DIDN’T HAVE A CHOICE. IT’S NOT MY FAULT!
I’m screaming but water gets into my mouth. Muffling the sound of my cry. Arms flaring around, trying to grasp something, something to hold on to. Anything. The light goes further away, making me panic. Water once again swallows my cries. The waves drag me under, until the light start to fade. My arms fall limp to my side.
It comes in waves, I close my eyes, hold my breath and let it bury me – Drown BMTH