Late Night Thoughts
I like to reflect on myself, sometimes even psychoanalysing without having the correcr qualification to do so. So, I’ll sit for a while or in this case lay awake late at night, staring at the ceiling in the dark, lost in my thoughts. Most of the time, this late night thinking won’t leave the inside of my mind. But on nights like tonight when a thought is running around, holding residence, I’ll scribble on some paper with a little of fear of not being particularly articulate.
Tonight’s wandering is questioning if I am really a jealous or envious person. I like to think that after a complete life changing moment, my intense anger and jealousy from my childhood settled down into a simmer. Well, actually I can get quite angry depending on the situatuon but jealousy has been something I thought was long in my past.
There’s nothing wrong per se about experiencing the emotion. It’s natural to feel quite envious about someone else. However, as someone who grew up being constantly in the shadow of someone else and always feeling invisible, I used my anger to convey my feelings to those around me. And at times, I was jealous of the attention others would get that I just never seemed to receive. It would worsen when despite copying everything about others including friends, hobbies etc, I was still unseen.
Now, maybe more than a decade later, there are moments where I feel like I’m stuck in the same period as Child Taiba. I’ve worked hard to know myself as a person and to not allow myself to succumb to being a shadow. Yet despite this growth, I’m still hurt with the lack of recognition or appreciation from those around me that others still receive.
To me, being loud so someone recognises your success or maybe even sufferings isn’t being jealous. But an outcry of hidden pain and hurt from years of being unseen and invisible. I would not call myself a remotely jealous person anymore because I don’t want to receive the same things as others. But rather I want to stop feeling like a wallflower.
I want to be seen. I want to be heard. I just want what I should have got a long time ago, not living in someone’s shadow for the rest of my life and feeling inadequete.